love

so ive been thinking. this season is supposed to be about love. love for family. love for friends. even our urges drives us to find love to love in these cold dark days. but what is love. say love for family because thats the main focus during the holidays. family. but what is loving family. is loving family spending hours in the kitchen preparing a meal and then getting all dressed up just for each other. is loving family spending way past your budget on gifts. some people might argue that just being with ones family. spending time together. is loving.

ive always loved the holidays but the older i get the less i feel the warmth i did in the past. some of you probably think its because when i was younger the holidays meant gifts and thats what brought the excitement but honestly its not it. growing up has in some way shed the tingle of christmas from my heart and awakened this need for more. my spiritual journey started in my early teens. i was in search for answers and i found satisfaction in belief. but now a decade later its no longer about needing answers to lost questions. its more a need for purpose. the questions around this are not difficult questions but more questioning my surroundings. questioning the mere purpose of it. questioning the relationships and actions of love for these. we try to go above and beyond to express our love for each other. our appreciation for each other with actions and gifts. meanwhile most of us have yet to expressed our love in words. when did words become overshadowed by gifts. when did words lose their meaning. word.

i think that what im yearning from the holidays. what im yearning from love is words and sincerity. uncomplicated and not questionable. words. i want expressing love to mean expressing yourself about that love. and i want everyone to do it. ive always been afraid that something would happen to me our someone i hold dear without them knowing how i feel. what he or she means to me. so ive always tried to make it my point to express that. something that has given me satisfaction as well as the recipient of this shower of words. but now i want everyone to do it. i need me to be the recipient. i want love for me to start expressing itself in words. any day and everyday.

karma

karma. do we believe in karma. i know it has become a common phrase to use in our language but do we really believe in it. do we think that one bad act will come back for us. or is it just bad karma if it was deliberate. if we know its wrong and still do it. is that what bad karma is. and how come we hardly talk about good karma. is there such a thing by the way. will the world repay the good we do just as it does (lets say it does for arguments sake) the bad. but that cant be completely true. i mean we see politicians and celebrities everyday on the news and most of the time for doing bad. but they dont seem to be being punished. meanwhile we see poor innocent people, also on the news, being dealt the worser hand continously.

is karma real and if so why is karma being biased.

somnus

sleep. a phenomena i never seem to grasp or control. when sleep comes knocking on my door im rendered helpless. i have nothing to say against it. no defence no nothing. i just surrender. but what is it. this instinctive being and doing. i know what are the results of sleeping, in normal, too high or low extent. but what is sleeping. what is it in the process of sleeping that actually charges our batteries. why cant we live without it. why do we know how to do it and when to do it so early on in life but yet still know so little about it. about the doing of sleep.

sleep has always rendered me quizzical and probably always will. i guess its one of these puzzles that one can only philosophize about and never really solve...

carpe diem

so these past couple of days ive been skimming through old pictures.. seeing the smiles of each moment.. wishing i could have them back. thinking those were the days. not realising those days are today. not reflecting that then i wanted what had already been and now i want then.

im always anxious about not living life.. not seizing the day, each day. but now im more anxious about seizing each day in retrospect, seizing yesterday today, tomorrow or even later than so. because my memory tells me i am living life, happily and full of love but my heart seems to always yearn back.

i still havent  figured out the remedy but at least i know now why the shoe doesnt fit... i guess im going shoe shopping =)

responsibility

today was the day when i had enough of this world. actually ive had enough of the people of this world. i just cant understand why we do what we do to each other. hurt people that has done us no harm and with no gain in it for the self.

ive always been told that i have a naive personality, a childish view of the world and reality. in a way i understand that but at the same time, its not true. i seriously dont understand why the world looks the way it does today and has looked these past centuries. and when i say the world i mean the interactions between men. the relations between men.

why do we feel the need to judge each other. why do we categorize. why do we condemn everything and everyone that differ from us. why dont we just love or leave alone.

the thing that pushed me of the edge was a clip i saw on youtube today. this clip was about this young teenager that told his story with flash cards on the screen. a story about being bullied and alienized in school and in life. most of you probably think that this trivial in comparison to what we are exposed to day-to-day. but something about this clip, about this boy, about the way the story was told struck a cord in me. and it pissed me off.

when will we stop excuse this type of behavior. when will we stop interfering with what doesnt concern us. when will we stop wasting time and effort on bullying and start using our life to do some good. and not just or necessarily for others but for our selves. when will we start putting love where all the hate is.